the old me.

I miss the old me.

I miss the life I lived before I let anxiety take over and control my life.

He stole every bit of joy I had in me.

I let it take me away from going to work out every night.

I let it take over my mind and thoughts, leaving no room for ideas for my blog.

I let it take place of good sleep & instead am stuck with little spurts of sleep here and there at night.

I let it take over my “fun” I would have with friends. Anxiety was my “friend” that just wanted to stay in on a Friday night.

I let it tell me when I would go to church and when I should just stay home.

I let it tell me EVERY step I was taking.

And then Jesus stepped in one night at Target…He is always forcing me to go there ;).

 You may have heard this story before, but, I ran into my old high school gym teacher and she asked me how everything was going. I lied and said, “good” because I didn’t want to tell her about my anxiety because it’s embarrassing…am I right?

 If you have or had anxiety, you know it’s hard to come out and tell others about it. Depends on what it is I guess, but for most of us it’s hard to tell someone you are terrified of something so ridiculous…like throwing up. I have NO clue where my anxiety came from because I have never had an embarrassing moment or anything to make me this way. I used to think “WHY do I have this anxiousness about throwing up when I have never had an awkward experience?” and theeeeen I remembered where it came from…Satan himself. {Dang you, Satan. You evil evil person.} He does not care if you have had the most perfect life, he will try to kill, steal, & destroy just to make your life miserable. Can you imagine living like that? Doing everything in your power to outdo Jesus and make someone else miserable…like what? Why?

 And then just when I hit rock bottom, Jesus sent one of his faithful servants my way. {the lady I was talking about earlier}. She gave me just what I needed to rekindle the flame with Jesus and get back to where I was before, where I needed to be in order to improve my life.

 Often times, or all the time, growing up I would take the Bible for granted and read it because I had to for class or because I was in church. I never really understood it (because hello, New Kings James version), and I don’t know about you but if I am reading something and I don’t understand it I just read it really fast or stop. That’s what I did. I never put in the effort or tried to understand what Jesus was saying to me. Then came along ESV and MSG version…thank you Jesus. Then there were these little spiral rings with note cards wrapped around them just ready to be used and each week I would write a new little Bible verse on there just begging to be read and memorized for the sake of saving my life. & I can tell you with my whole honest heart, it really did. All because I ran into Mrs. D at Target that night, she directed me to this spiral {along with soooo many other things} and my life started to turn around.

 Now don’t get too excited for me {because I know you were doing a happy dance} but my anxiety didn’t go away in the blink of an eye. She told me “Emma this will take time. You will not see change right away, but if we meet each week, you will start to see a change…you just have to put in the effort.” She has never lied to me. So that cold December night I took my spiral home and wrote a note to myself in the front so that I would see it each time before I read my memory verse.

 “December 7, 2015

 Here’s to a new & improved life. Can’t wait to see where these verses take me. Read them daily. They will help you. God will help you. Love your life & worry less.

                                                                          Love, the fully fear filled Emma”

 I had no clue what I was writing that night or how these verse would affect me. All I knew was that I trusted Mrs. D and if it was God’s Word then it HAD to help me in one way or another. I was desperate, I would try anything. So I wrote that first verse in there that she gave me.

 Hebrews 4:12: “For the Word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.”

 I never want to lose this spiral. I want to remember where I started and where I have come to. I have used it so much that the sides of the note cards are getting dirty and bent and a few spots where tears have fallen into my lap on nights where I am sitting on the kitchen door by the garage, begging Jesus to take these vicious thoughts out of my heart and head.

 I can’t tell you the difference I see in my life. I have come SO far, but have so far to go. But doesn’t it feel good when you see some change? That’s me right now. So even though Satan is trying to fight and pull me in his direction, I have my buried my feet in faith in Jesus and I am not letting him pull me out. The only way I will let me feet come off the ground is when I fly home to Jesus and join dad in heaven.

 If you are suffering with anxiety, write me! I would love more than anything to talk about it and tell you a few things that have helped me. Through all your anxiety, if nothing else, just know that JESUS LOVES YOU and is ALWAYS listening no matter the day or hour. Even if no one else is listening, He is.